Guess What Disney’s Doing to Snow White?

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Disney is producing a live-action version of Snow White because, of course, they do this very often. The movie looks worse and more woke than even my jaded self could have imagined because management hasn’t yet finished relying on the quality of content produced in past eras.

It was impossible to reach the corpse of Walt Disney for comment as it spun so fast that its last sighting showed it digging deep into Earth’s mantle.

It’s only the third occasion in the last 21 years of my career that I have almost nothing else to say than “I literally cannot even.” The previous time was about a year before.

Snow White, the “fair maiden”, is now Latina. The Seven Dwarves have been replaced by One Dwarf dressed in garb from the Greater Des Moines Renaissance Faire and Six Painfully Different Magical Creatures.

Snow White in live action will, by all appearances be worse than what you could imagine.

The Daily Mail reminded us that Disney announced that a ‘magical creature’ would replace seven dwarves in order to ‘avoid reinforcing stereotypical beliefs’ after Game of Thrones star Peter Dinklage criticized the ‘f ****** reversed story’ last season.

It is important to say and ask a few questions.

First, let’s ask: Does Disney do nothing but burn money?

It’s worth asking: Wouldn’t it have been cheaper in the end for Disney to burn down $200 million rather than produce a live-action movie that will not make money, but will ruin the beloved animated classic, instead of making a live-action film? It’s like Disney management, the owners of some of the most valuable intellectual properties in existence, decided to lock Rottweilers with explosive diarrhea inside their vault.

Disneyfied Star Wars has at best become moribund. Marvel Cinematic Universe, once unbeatable, has been producing nothing but box office flops since 2020. Disney+ also added 37,000 streaming TV shows of which only two were watchable. Disney’s “Indiana Jones,” which was released last week, got smashed by an independent production called “The Sound of Freedom.” Also, live-action versions of Disney’s “The Little Mermaid,” Mulan,” and “Peter Pan And Wendy,” (which Disney would not even release in theaters), all failed. Pixar’s magic is gone.

Bob Iger’s contract has been renewed for two more years.